Ebbs and flows

It's not always easy to keep up the D/s dynamic in the general commotion of daily life. We're both new at this and sometimes fall back on old habits.

The other night Madame expressed annoyance at me and ordered me to take off my glasses, the prelude to a slap in the face. I did so and she slapped me, but she pulled her punch--just couldn't go through and put some shoulder into it. It was a love tap. The thing is that it was so endearing! It was cute! I couldn't help smiling broadly, which put her off, but we were in the middle of dinner and it was complicated to suddenly switch into some kind of scene.

Later she tried to re-establish her gravitas and once again I was filled with affection for her and couldn't stop smiling. She took this as undermining her authority. Stepping out of role she said, "Come on, I'm trying to stay in character here and look at you!" I said, "I'm very sorry, Madame, I can't help it. I think it's something you'll have to deal with!" But she was miffed and dismissed me.

That was an ebb. Last night there was a flow. We were working together at completing forms and papers for some complicated domestic-finance issue I won't go into. As is my wont in situations like that, I became totally stressed and whiny and anxious. She quickly dressed me down for my childish behavior. She snapped orders and let me know exactly how disappointing I was being. Subdued, I became silently obedient. Later I asked her if she forgave me. "Frankly, no," she said.

I slunk off feeling forlorn. In our normal bedtime protocol, I got ready for bed and got in her side to warm it up for her. She came in and undressed. I watched avidly, as she controls my orgasms and I am borderline desperate with arousal. Then she stood by the bed and lectured me sternly again. Then, "Take off your glasses," she said. I did. WHACK. She gave me a ringing slap that more than made up for the previous day's love tap. "Thank you, Madame," I said.

She went to the bathroom to finish her nightly ritual and I lay there throbbing with love, desire and submission. It was a good night!

Balls emprisoned

Not literally. But it's been ten days since I've been allowed to come. Today is a busy day and tonight we're going out for dinner with friends, so maybe tomorrow... Sigh.

Recent misbehavior (Jan. 24)

Failed to hang up Madame's coat. She said, "You've annoyed me. I'll have to take care of that. Not today."

Orgasm log, Jan. 19-25, 2009

Madame:
Wednesday, Jan. 21
Sunday, Jan. 25

Me:
Sunday, Jan. 25

A nice night

Last night Madame and I went to bed late, ready for sleep. As I lay on my back in the dark, Madame slipped her hand between my leg. "Stay still," she instructed.

Then she gave me a nice, long teasing hand job. I was rock hard instantly, of course. She didn't take me all the way to the very edge, but not too far off. Then she withdrew her hand.

"Tomorrow morning," she said, "When I wake up, you will pleasure me. Then you'll bring me breakfast in bed: green tea, half a pear peeled and cut into two sections, and a piece of toast with butter and raspberry jam."

"Yes, Madame," I replied as my erection throbbed and tingled.

"Good night," she said, and rolled over. We went to sleep.

This morning she woke me at around 8:30. I yawned and stretched, removed my pajamas, and pleasured her. When that was done, still naked, I went and prepared her breakfast and brought it to her in bed.

I had provided a dainty little knife and fork because she likes things to be just so. But the dainty knife didn't quite match the dainty fork, so she had me replace it. Then she said, "I shouldn't have had to tell you that, Thomas. You should have brought the right knife the first time. Remove your glasses."

I did so. She slapped me. "Thank you, Madame," I said.

Madame is testing her authority as disciplinarian

Today Madame was exasperated in general, and there was one thing in particular that may or may not have been my fault, hard to know.

"Thomas," she said, "Remove your glasses."

I did so. She took aim for a slap, hesitated, then said, "Oh, I can't."

I laughed and said, "Madame stops and thinks too much."

"Keep those glasses off!" she said sharply, and plastered me with a good, hard slap. "Don't laugh at me!" she said, and stalked off smirking.

Recent misbehavior (Jan. 18)

Broke a bowl while doing the dishes. Attitude problems.

Orgasm by proxy?

I was looking forward to making Madame come last night. We went to bed and I started romantically stroking and caressing her by candelight. I gave her gentle, soft massage all over, punctuated with kisses and cuddles. I was wearing black string-style underwear, which I do to emphasize that my genitals are not in play. Madame was teasing me by idly fondling my balls through the string and by letting her fingers do the walking over my ass.

I was really looking forward to the next step, going to work on exciting her in earnest and bringing her to orgasm with whatever means she chose. Instead, she thanked me warmly for my massage and cuddling and said it was time to go to sleep. And so we did.

I was very disappointed. I had been imagining the sensations of settling my face down between her legs, breathing in her scent, feeling and tasting her with my mouth, then the delicious excitement of her orgasm. I realized that, without coming myself, I had nonetheless been using her orgasms as proxy release for myself! Her deciding not to come was a double denial--I couldn't come either for myself or in imaginative synch with her.

Almost forgot!

The other night Madame ate my dessert without asking! Subs have to put up with the most frightful cruelty.

Recent misbehavior (Jan. 15, 2009)

Left my keys and my cell phone at home when I went to work. This means Madame may have difficulty contacting me, and I'll have to wait until later to come home, meaning I'll be slow getting dinner ready.

Pain

As one who has fantasized all his life about being spanked, and will, I believe, soon see those fantasies realized on a regular basis, I have been thinking a lot about pain.

I know spankings can hurt a little or a lot. There is a level of pain that is "too much." In my fantasies, that is the level of pain inflicted: too much. But in reality, too much is too much. When I am spanked, am I bound to be either disappointed or hurt more than I can stand?

There's a website, The Disciplinary Wives Club. One person writing there defines a "therapeutic" (as opposed to "play") spanking as one that "should hurt the husband's bottom enough to make him wish it would end sooner than it does." That is the aspect that, on the one hand, arouses me, the reality of punishment as something one does not like, and on the other hand, frightens me somewhat and risks bringing the spanking out of the realm of the erotic.

There's a complicated interplay here. My erotic fantasy is to be spanked for real, as punishment. Such a spanking would not be erotic, but would, I think, satisfy deeper erotic and psychological needs than just getting an erection and moaning in pleasure. And yet my erotic motivation is strong.

So far I have received no punishment spankings, only a few test taps with the brush. I am apprehensive and excited at the same time. What will it be like?

Recent misbehavior (Jan. 13, 2009)

Yesterday I lost my tweed cap on the metro. Careless, careless, careless!

A first!

A couple of firsts, actually. Last night we made love. Madame allowed me to enter her. I was delighted. We proceeded to copulate enthusiastically. At first I assumed I would ejaculate at the end of this, but it was not to be. Instead, she had me raise my torso so she could attend digitally to her own pleasure. This is something we call "a simultaneous"--I pump away as she masturbates, then we time it so that we come simultaneously. This time, however, I had to be careful not to come. She came twice as I was planted firmly inside her, moving gently in and out. Then I continued gentle screwing for a little while and then pulled out. A full fucking session, two orgasms for her and none for me. The ultimate tease! I can't describe how exciting it was.

So that was the first first--orgasm denial where I serve as a kind of fucking machine for her pleasure and hers alone. I like it!

Second first: afterwards, as I was lying on the bed fairly writhing with frustrated desire, I asked her if she wouldn't mind spanking my ass a couple of times, just to see what it felt like. She did, with her hand, but--delicate creature!--she is no slugger. I scoffed at her weak efforts.

She went out and returned with the foot-long wooden bath brush she had had me purchase for her, for this very purpose. She gave me a couple of smacks. Ouch! I asked for some more and she gave me a couple more. Not shockingly painful but that brush has a good, hot sting to it. My ass tingled for quite some time. A harbinger, I hope, of things to... come.

Orgasm log, Jan. 1-18, 2009

Madame has me on a quota of one per week. So far:

Madame:
Saturday, January 3
Monday, January 5
Wednesday, January 7
Friday, January 9
Sunday, January 11
Tuesday, January 13
Sunday, January 18

Me:
Saturday, January 3
Wednesday, January 7
Wednesday, January 14


We're on a calendar week system, Monday to Monday.

Recent misbehavior (through Jan. 13, 2009)

• Failure to account for two books Madame gave me to read! I can't figure out what I've done with them.
• Failure to purchase an item that Madame needed on the day she told me to.
• Picked up the dry cleaning and failed to check that all items were there; one of Madame's jackets was not and could be missing.
• Failure to manage food supplies efficiently (i.e. opened new box of something when a box was already open; cut a lemon in half and squeezed one half when there was already half a lemon in the fridge).
• General procrastination in doing domestic administrative tasks.

Starting out

I am an American man, born in 1958 and living in France. My wife is much the same age. We are both middle-class. My work is writing and editing; she works in publishing, in a position of some responsibility.

After twenty-five years of happy marriage, my wife decided at the very end of 2008 to dominate me. She had long known of my interest in a dominant/submissive relationship and in corporal punishment, and gamely tried to enter into the game. However, I didn't know exactly what I wanted from her, she was uncomfortable and doing it only to satisfy me, and after a couple of awkward attempts I backed off. I felt embarassed for having tried to impose something on her that she wasn't ready for.

Later, I gave her a copy of a book entitled "The Sensual Art of the Dominant Woman." I never asked her if she'd read it; I figured all I could do was open doors. If she wanted to walk through them, she would.

Meanwhile, I had decided to be more and more submissive without bothering her about it. I was already the family cook. I started to do all the washing up as well. I became more prompt and thorough about anticipating her needs and doing all I could to make life easier for her. This is something that makes me happy.

This Christmas, she surprised me with a book called "Dominant Wives and Other Stories," a collection of vintage femdom comics. This was a message. Rapidly, we got into our dynamic. When we are alone, I call her Madame. I am subservient and she is authoritative. I run around doing things for her and serving her. When it isn't too impractical, I remain naked in her presence.

In bed, she had already been getting interested in bossing me around, specifically, in denying me orgasm. On a few occasions, she asked me to bring her to orgasm, then informed me that that was all for the night, rolled over and went to sleep. She knew this drove me wild with frustrated desire. Now she has given me a quota: I get one orgasm per week. She will allow me extras if I'm good or zero me out for the week if I misbehave. I find her severity extremely seductive and am in a state of chronic arousal, making me all the more sensitive to her sensual charms. In addition, now that I've accepted this, I'm getting into making love without orgasm as a payoff; I can concentrate solely on her. Touching, embracing, caressing, tenderness; very exciting, as ever. So I enjoy being excited and don't worry about ejaculating at the end of it all.

Finally, she had me purchase a large wooden bath brush to punish me with. This is probably the biggest hurdle for her and she hasn't done it yet. I feel certain that she will, though.

That's where we are now. I'll use this blog to keep track of intimate details and to address larger questions, too.