Pain

As one who has fantasized all his life about being spanked, and will, I believe, soon see those fantasies realized on a regular basis, I have been thinking a lot about pain.

I know spankings can hurt a little or a lot. There is a level of pain that is "too much." In my fantasies, that is the level of pain inflicted: too much. But in reality, too much is too much. When I am spanked, am I bound to be either disappointed or hurt more than I can stand?

There's a website, The Disciplinary Wives Club. One person writing there defines a "therapeutic" (as opposed to "play") spanking as one that "should hurt the husband's bottom enough to make him wish it would end sooner than it does." That is the aspect that, on the one hand, arouses me, the reality of punishment as something one does not like, and on the other hand, frightens me somewhat and risks bringing the spanking out of the realm of the erotic.

There's a complicated interplay here. My erotic fantasy is to be spanked for real, as punishment. Such a spanking would not be erotic, but would, I think, satisfy deeper erotic and psychological needs than just getting an erection and moaning in pleasure. And yet my erotic motivation is strong.

So far I have received no punishment spankings, only a few test taps with the brush. I am apprehensive and excited at the same time. What will it be like?

A first!

A couple of firsts, actually. Last night we made love. Madame allowed me to enter her. I was delighted. We proceeded to copulate enthusiastically. At first I assumed I would ejaculate at the end of this, but it was not to be. Instead, she had me raise my torso so she could attend digitally to her own pleasure. This is something we call "a simultaneous"--I pump away as she masturbates, then we time it so that we come simultaneously. This time, however, I had to be careful not to come. She came twice as I was planted firmly inside her, moving gently in and out. Then I continued gentle screwing for a little while and then pulled out. A full fucking session, two orgasms for her and none for me. The ultimate tease! I can't describe how exciting it was.

So that was the first first--orgasm denial where I serve as a kind of fucking machine for her pleasure and hers alone. I like it!

Second first: afterwards, as I was lying on the bed fairly writhing with frustrated desire, I asked her if she wouldn't mind spanking my ass a couple of times, just to see what it felt like. She did, with her hand, but--delicate creature!--she is no slugger. I scoffed at her weak efforts.

She went out and returned with the foot-long wooden bath brush she had had me purchase for her, for this very purpose. She gave me a couple of smacks. Ouch! I asked for some more and she gave me a couple more. Not shockingly painful but that brush has a good, hot sting to it. My ass tingled for quite some time. A harbinger, I hope, of things to... come.

Starting out

I am an American man, born in 1958 and living in France. My wife is much the same age. We are both middle-class. My work is writing and editing; she works in publishing, in a position of some responsibility.

After twenty-five years of happy marriage, my wife decided at the very end of 2008 to dominate me. She had long known of my interest in a dominant/submissive relationship and in corporal punishment, and gamely tried to enter into the game. However, I didn't know exactly what I wanted from her, she was uncomfortable and doing it only to satisfy me, and after a couple of awkward attempts I backed off. I felt embarassed for having tried to impose something on her that she wasn't ready for.

Later, I gave her a copy of a book entitled "The Sensual Art of the Dominant Woman." I never asked her if she'd read it; I figured all I could do was open doors. If she wanted to walk through them, she would.

Meanwhile, I had decided to be more and more submissive without bothering her about it. I was already the family cook. I started to do all the washing up as well. I became more prompt and thorough about anticipating her needs and doing all I could to make life easier for her. This is something that makes me happy.

This Christmas, she surprised me with a book called "Dominant Wives and Other Stories," a collection of vintage femdom comics. This was a message. Rapidly, we got into our dynamic. When we are alone, I call her Madame. I am subservient and she is authoritative. I run around doing things for her and serving her. When it isn't too impractical, I remain naked in her presence.

In bed, she had already been getting interested in bossing me around, specifically, in denying me orgasm. On a few occasions, she asked me to bring her to orgasm, then informed me that that was all for the night, rolled over and went to sleep. She knew this drove me wild with frustrated desire. Now she has given me a quota: I get one orgasm per week. She will allow me extras if I'm good or zero me out for the week if I misbehave. I find her severity extremely seductive and am in a state of chronic arousal, making me all the more sensitive to her sensual charms. In addition, now that I've accepted this, I'm getting into making love without orgasm as a payoff; I can concentrate solely on her. Touching, embracing, caressing, tenderness; very exciting, as ever. So I enjoy being excited and don't worry about ejaculating at the end of it all.

Finally, she had me purchase a large wooden bath brush to punish me with. This is probably the biggest hurdle for her and she hasn't done it yet. I feel certain that she will, though.

That's where we are now. I'll use this blog to keep track of intimate details and to address larger questions, too.